Back on Track

Hello again.
Hopefully the one or two readers of this post know me just enough to forgive me my absence for such a long period of time. With the current internet possibilities one is almost always in the position to keep contact with their friends, readers, colleagues, family etc. So I have no excuses or reasons for this absence but personal struggles. And personal they were. No interference from any material, love or professional input that caused my struggle. Really all me. Quickly I add that that struggle does not always mean depression or addiction or anything like that. Stuggle can also mean that you make a wrong decision and you have to admit to that, accept that and deal with the decision to try to make the best of it, or to undo it. Ofcourse we all make mistakes or bad decisions now and again, and we deal with them and learn from them. I guess that is part of everybodies life, how else can you find out what is really right for you. Making mistakes only becomes difficult when they involve other peoples lifes and feelings. In my case my daughter (1995) is involved. Being a happy and very free single mother we always did what we wanted to do without bothering what anybody would think about that. We would travel a lot and live in different countries. This period of my so called struggle we lived in the south of Spain. Now that my girl has reached a certain age where she needs stability I finally understand that happiness is in me and not outside of me. I thought that the beach, the sun, the sea and life that acompanies such surroundings would fill me with joy of living and appreciation of our planet. It did not. Boredom and lack of intelect with the lovely people of southern Spain hit me hard in the face. Back in Amsterdam I realize that people, buzz, and movement accompanied by greyish rainy surroundings make me feel alive. The sunshine comes from me and my lifestyle, which means that I can always make it shine, be it day, night, winter, autumn or mid summer. Finding that out took almost 6 months. Before that I would just tell myself every day for more than a year that I was really happy in Spain with its beautifull nature . Forcing myself to appreciate the sea, the sun and the Spanish lifestyle. Gosh that almost worked!