Mist

When in my practice for coaching and counseling I meet with relational issues or in other words relationship problems one of the thickest smoke curtains to keep feelings from conveying are the so called " I express myself" outings. Mostly relational problems are about expressing who you really are in your most intimate relation. That is what we really want in our intimate relationship, we want our partner to see us, understand us and if possible even support us in time of personal trouble. So if that is what we want, that is what we try to achieve by talking about ourselfs and our stuff. Our history, experiences good or bad, and when bad we would want our partner to show that he/she understands us. Here is usually where the issues begin to take shape. Ofcourse we want to express our sorrows to our loved ones but we also imediatly think that they don´t get it right because these sorrows are so difficult to explain, so more words are thrown in and when he/she still does not react they way we want or need them to we blur out some more words. Our partner can be understanding and patient, but also feels impotent because he/she is not given the chance to open up and listen. So they automaticaly close up subconsiously and try to listen, really try to understand what is happening and while trying can be such a workout itself because of this veil always hanging in the way. Then I get to listen to these hurting people and I hear them say " I really express myself ". The learning in my practice for marriage counseling is all about that. About giving your partner to chance the interpret your words as they come in their hearts and minds. This means that your course should be as clear as water instead of a waterfall of words. All the details that are of importance to you are just mistifying the core of your sorrow and therefor your loved one can not see what is going on any more. Very hard to find your home in misty surroundings..

Ofcourse my next blog will be about listening which is almost just as difficult as clear use of language.